~rian101

While I commend the efforts you've undertaken to study our English language, I would like to say a few things. These points are necessary yet unfortunately overlooked; you've reminded me of their urgency, you cheeky shit you.

First, because you are an English major, it does not mean you know every word in the language. Neither do I. The masses do not deserve to be castigated for their inability to understand that astounding word you spent hours chasing down in the Oxford Dictionary. They are not stupid, unenlightened or otherwise beneath you. It means you are a twat and deserve to be smacked with a beer bottle.

Secondly, because I am an English major, it does not mean I've read every book you have. My tastes do not deserve your contempt because they run afoul of your interests. Don't be such a twat or I'll smack you with a beer bottle.

Thirdly, your studies do not entitle you to berate and belittle those with a poor grasp of anachronisms. Speaking forsoothely has fallen by the wayside for a number of reasons, which I'm sure you haven't figured out yet and for that reason, you need a smacking. Similarly, that unbearably complicated sentence you whipped up because it sounded so crushing was rather pathetic. When I heard you say it, it sounded like the undignified gargle a dead donkey makes when the tapeworms excavates its bowels. Do not ever do that again. Do what, you ask? DO NOT ACT LIKE AN ARISTOCRAT BECAUSE YOU SURE AS SHIT AINT.

These three rules are absolutely important - our English language is not a weapon, our wit is. The harder you try, the more inane you sound. Our studies are not a war against the technocracy or the propaganda machine or the opiated masses. We are here to drink beer and write ghastly jokes about dead donkeys and tapeworms and, somehow, communicate with the people around us. Their stories are wonderful so quit with the antics and shut the fuck up already.