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urban renewal by ~rian101:iconrian101:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Urban > Open


they died for beauty
beneath the union street bridge;
kind enough to leave their last words
written in silver against black
aerosol etchings and faceless
kilroys.

the sun sets snowing, what remains
of our little light has left; our skins
crawl away to a new dawn.
oh mother,
                  oh captain,
we should have stayed home;
Death is a snake in the grass,
we are barefoot children running.

to die for beauty,
stop-sign cemetaries, processions
through shard glass tombstones,
this cities river tracing grace and
her fingers down my back,
glinting amber seraphim, violet
dawn sculptures,
oh captain,
why can't i?
©2005-2010 ~rian101
:iconrian101:

Author's Comments

meh. art faggery and pretension abounds here. a bit of a writers block lately, i really, quite honestly, do not like this piece. not at all.

the coffeehouse kids all go beneath the bridge and get absolutely sloshed. this bridge is also home to some of the finest graffiti. went down there to quote the tag originally intended to use and i find it has been all been painted over. in its place is a rather hip, modern and somewhat intoxicated elephant with the word 'eror' written on it, a letter for a leg. so i had to write what i found. grr.. i was a really good thing, too. i'm kind of disappointed but then changing grafitti always indicates an active underground community. so if it changes, its good. as opposed to the one spot i found that was littered with campy 80's junk and hadnt been touched since. ugh.

tell me whats wrong with this.

Comments


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:icondiamondie:
*diamondie Feb 17, 2005, 5:01:52 AM
I can see what you say about the "art faggery" and pretension in the first stanza, but it isn't too bothersome. I really liked this poem, it is powerful and the imagery and narrative both feel unique. The structure and formatting work perfectly. I'm sorry that I can't give any critiques, because I liked it all. Perhaps I'd change the title, but I almost always say that.
:iconrian101:
~rian101 Feb 17, 2005, 5:10:31 AM
no, dont worry about not having a critique. the title is definitely going to go, its just too... bleh... whats the word? unrelated? yeah. absolutely, the title goes the way of the dodo.

thank you for reading :)
:iconradiodead:
~radiodead Feb 18, 2005, 2:57:32 PM
mm. doesn't really have that morbid rian touch, does it? the dying for beauty stuff, and all. more simplistic than usual. i've just gotten up so i can't really think properly, sorry. i've decided i like the
her fingers down my back,
glinting amber seraphim,
very much. the ending maybe is the weakest part.
:iconrian101:
~rian101 Feb 19, 2005, 4:31:17 AM
youre right; the ending is very weak. this was an exercise, really, and didnt seem to care much more than 'write something for a personal quota'. apparently, i can't go without writing for two weeks and not feel guilty about it. a divorce television.
:iconpename:
~pename Feb 19, 2005, 9:08:27 AM
this cities river tracing grace and
her fingers down my back

is by far my favourite: i like the comparison between the two, I like the perfect juxtaposition between the very large and ancient and the small and fleeting. I think you meant city's though, hyphenation nerd that I am.
'Oh captain' could be al lot more powerful if the link between the two times it is quoted were clearer.
Futher development is needed of the stop-sign cemetaries, or something, to make the dying for beauty thing feel worthwhile, convincing.
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